Stop Fighting the Person, Start Fighting the Pattern

5 Roles That Slowly Drain Your Connection

We aren’t "difficult," we’re just stuck.

Ever feel like you and your partner are reciting lines from a script you never signed up for?

In my experience, when a relationship feels stuck, it’s rarely because one person is "bad" and the other is "good." It’s usually because we’ve fallen into Polarisation Roles. These roles are like invisible magnets. The more I over-function, the more you under-function. The louder I get to be heard, the more you go quiet to stay safe. Before we know it, we aren’t even seeing each other anymore—we’re just reacting to the "role" the other person is playing.

Here’s the truth: We don’t choose these roles to be hurtful. We choose them to feel safe. Every role is just a shield protecting something tender underneath.

But shields also block intimacy.

The goal isn't to fix your partner. The goal is to notice the pattern and say: "Hey, I think we’re doing that thing again."

Here are five common polarisations that repeat in close relationships:

1. Disappointed vs. Disappointer

In this dynamic, one person feels constantly let down while the other feels like they can never get it right. It creates a heavy atmosphere where both partners end up feeling lonely in different ways.

2. Good Person vs. Bad Person

This is the "moral high ground" trap. One partner carries the "saint" story while the other carries the shame of being the "villain". This story leaves no middle ground and, most importantly, no room to see our own part in the conflict.

3. Aggressive vs. Passive

This represents a mismatch in how you handle "heat" or conflict. One partner "turns up the volume" to be heard, while the other "mutes" themselves to survive the moment. The reality is that the more one pushes, the more the other pulls away, leaving the actual issue completely unaddressed.

4. Over-Responsible vs. Under-Responsible

One person carries the weight of everything (and eventually resents it), while the other is treated like a child and begins to feel useless. It is a self-fulfilling cycle: over-functioning actually creates under-functioning. To break this, we have to learn to put the bags down so the other person has the space to pick them up.

5. Pursuer vs. Distancer

A classic dance of reassurance and space. One partner chases for closeness, while the other pulls away to find air. The pursuer feels abandoned and the distancer feels smothered, meaning neither gets the safety they are actually looking for.

How to Break the Cycle

Each of these roles protects something tender, but each role costs connection. The shift happens when you stop fighting the person and start fighting the pattern. When we address the fear instead of the behaviour, the polarisation softens.

If you feel stuck in these scripts, try these three steps:

1. Identify your "default" role: Awareness is the first step toward change.

2. Share the observation: Ask your partner, "Do we do this?".

3. Change the perspective: Move from "You vs. Me" to "Us vs. The Pattern". Once you notice the pattern, the goal is to acknowledge it in real-time by saying: "Hey, I think we’re doing that thing again". From that place of awareness, choose to do something else—anything else—than your usual reaction.

   
   

True intimacy begins when we can step out of the "script" and see the person standing in front of us again. It is the moment we stop reacting to who we think they are being, and start responding to who they actually are. In that space, we don't just find a solution; we find each other.

Which of these pairs feels like a mirror for your relationship? 

This article was written by Dr. Kalanit Ben-Ari, a psychologist, psychotherapist, trainer, and international speaker. With a doctorate in Psychology, Dr. Ben-Ari has over 25 years of experience in the field and currently runs a private clinic in Hampstead, London. She is also MAFS Israel expert, an author, speaker, and therapist supervisor, and served as the Chair of Imago Relationships Therapy UK from 2013 to 2023.

Dr. Ben-Ari leads The Association Hub, a vibrant community for therapists, and Awakening Love, an online course helping couples reconnect and grow together.